Are You Feeling Lonely?

At some time in our lives, we will probably all experience a form of loneliness.

Loneliness can take many forms. It doesn’t always mean a person sitting at home in isolation. Although it can mean that, particularly in the case of some elderly people in our society. Loneliness can manifest for a person when with others, in a family situation, with a group of friends or in a workplace, even in a relationship with a significant other, as they say.

Loneliness can be lack of connection or a feeling of being on the periphery or not feeling a part of, or a sense of being unwanted or unloved. It can be separation from a loved one. There is a separateness at the core of loneliness, which is felt in a negative way, a sad way. It can make someone feel anxious, or depressed or both. It can be helpful to see and feel why you may be lonely. What has caused this feeling? Is it familiar, are you feeling helpless within it, like a distressed swimmer submerging? How can you help yourself to reach dry land, to feel balanced and content again, to embrace your life again and feel complete? And feeling incomplete and lonely can be bedfellows. We feel we need another to complete us, we need to feel we belong, we need to feel accepted, we need to feel needed and loved and important to someone or a group. We have a need to not to be alone, we need connection.

As human beings, John Donne had it right with “no man is an island”. It is a natural and healthy desire to be part of social group, a family group, a true connection to other human beings and what that brings. Possible lightness and fun and relationships that are meaningful. So, if that is not happening in your life and making you unhappy and anxious, you have choices. Change is possible and can happen in a positive way. It can require some self-reflection and perhaps changes that can be challenging but it is within your power to make changes. And if you are a young person or an elderly person who feels more limited and without the power of choice it is possible a friend, a neighbour or a health professional or a counsellor can help you with this.

You can help yourself with what some people see as the ache of loneliness. Firstly, reflect on the nature of your loneliness and the reason or reasons you may feel this way. Secondly, decide on a course of action. If it is because you have experienced bereavement, feeling lonely, a sense of grieving and the impact of loss- it can be overwhelming. Yet, these are entirely natural feelings given the circumstances you might find yourself in. Grieving takes time and self-care is vital. Sharing and communicating how you are feeling to another person can be hugely supportive in the grieving process. Someone who cares is best to confide in whoever it might be. And a counsellor can also be a caring presence in your life during this time. Helping you find your way through a period of healing and readjustment.

If you are in a relationship and have felt lonely for some time talk honestly to your partner about how you feel. They may feel the same and a way forward is possible. Showing each other love and understanding is important, sharing is vital. Make changes together or with a help of a counsellor or a health professional and even if change isn’t possible, you can both find a way forward together or apart. Whatever, you are on the path to changing your situation and living a fuller life.

If you are in a work situation where you feel lonely because of bullying, a general sense of isolation or insecurity, again, you can make changes. Perhaps, you can speak to a manager who may understand and support you. Or speak directly to the group, team perhaps or a colleague who you feel may be open to assisting you. Perhaps, positive changes can be made. Or if you feel you are not being heard you could consider another position in the organisation or a whole new start which may fill you with excitement. Maybe a chance to connect to a new group of people in an area of work you feel more enthusiastic, even passionate about.

If you are in a family situation and you feel lonely, it may be that you feel unheard, even unseen and that can be very isolating and distressing. Again, communication is vital. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with a family member you can trust could be a life changing experience. Or if you feel that it’s not possible, speak to a close friend or a counsellor about the way you feel. Feeling alone within a family group is very emotionally challenging but there is a way through. Empathy is a powerful tool which brings people together paving the way for much deeper understanding of each other.

If you are in a group of friends and feel lonely within that group, you may feel you don’t belong and are always striving for acceptance. Careful reflection is important, think about how you see yourself in the group and how others may see you. Is this really you? Are you being true to yourself in a social situation or are you presenting yourself as someone else to fit in? It may be there is a lot of competition in the group and less fun, is that what you want? How do you thrive as a person? You could speak to a closer friend within the group and share your feelings. That can be so hard to do but can be such a release and a way and very affirming. And lastly, if you are someone who feels you are too much in your home, with too few family contacts or friends you too can make positive change. Speak to someone about your feelings, a friend, neighbour, a family member, or a counsellor. Sharing is caring, and it’s true. There are many people out there who would appreciate your company, your friendship, your companionship. Join a group and see what happens. What is your interest or passion? Try painting or a book group or a choir to make your heart sing.

Loneliness can be suggestive of something missed or missing. You can give yourself what you’re missing through self-care and nurturing and listening to your own thoughts, understanding yourself and fulfilling your needs. We all need connection that nurtures us, but the greatest connection is to ourselves. Being aware of who we are and how we feel and sharing that with others is a great gift to yourself. And others.

Loneliness is also different from being alone which can be a time of reflection, meditation, and healing. Always, there can be change for the better. It can take courage, but it is entirely possible to dispel loneliness and live a fuller and better life.

Morag is the founder of dovelight wellbeing. She is a qualified Person-centred counsellor and Theta healer. She believes passionately in the holistic view of the mind, body and spirit being connected.